Lets be friends...

I guess I’m thinking that I need to write this down so that I don’t forget. Or…at the very least so that I’ll remember it in my head more clearly.

So the ex and I were going to try and be friends.

I thought that I would be able to make this work. I thought that if I made my self focus on being cold that I could stop wanting her, but realistically I just wanted to be around her. When I thought I was repressing my feelings, my heart and brain were in collusion against me. They formed a plan to convince myself that I could do this. My mind was telling me that it does not matter about your past, you can make this friend thing work. My heart was laughing quietly in the background, thinking if she is just around me she will fall in love with me again.

Hahahahahhaahhaahahahahahaha

So we are driving down into town earlier and I begin to realize what a mistake I made by allowing myself on this little trip. My heart is racing and with every word I’m getting myself closer and closer to break down. She’s telling me about the things going on in her life, and how some guys from her old HS have been contacting her. The whole time I’m sitting there wanting to rip the head off of everyone she’s talked to, and dreaming of the life that is no longer a part of mine.

Not exactly the most supportive feelings for someone who is just a friend. At this point, I’m pretty pissed at my brain and my heart. Of coarse they are laughing in the corner at me telling me that I’m the one who made the decision and I have to deal with it. Ugh!
We make it to our destination and she gets her items.

We start heading back. We are not even out of the parking lot before she’s asking me what’s wrong. I told her the day before, if we are going to be friends she just has to accept me being quiet. She has to accept there are times I need to detach myself.

But now….My brain starts thinking…I can explain this…it’s ok….My heart is thinking that I feel like expressing myself, so go for it.

Hahahahhaahhahahahahahahahah

Never listen to your heart or your brain, they will deceive you.
By now, I could write these conversations out before they even happen. She’s sitting next to me telling me that she will always Love me, but that is not what this is about, is it. I’m looking for her to be in love with me.

She tries to comfort me and my heart is about to explode. She’s wanting to hold my hand to make me feel better. I’m sitting there thinking that I feel this way because I can’t hold your hand. The person I’m feeling so tortured over is the one trying to comfort me. I just want to hold her, but she only wants to hold me when I feel like this. This is not good.
Things get heated….and before I know it we are yelling again. I don’t know how we even got to this point.

I really hate that this relationship ended. L