So, now what...

I decided that I needed to write again today.

I’m sitting on the 14th floor and as I look out the window I can see it is another beautiful day. It’s days like this that I just get really tired of the life that I’m living. Living? That is a stretch. It’s more of just an existence. I get up, go to work, go home and prepare to repeat.

I’m not doing anything with this. I feel like I’m failing either myself, or God. I mean, here I sit on this gorgeous day that was given to me and everyone and all I can do is sit at a desk and do paperwork. Is this really what God had in mind when we were given the desire for beauty, excitement and love. Was it a cruel trick or test? This day was laid out in front of me as a bit of temptation?

The thing is, I’m an accountant. Just saying that bores me sometimes. I work for a pretty good company. They treat me well, my boss is a good guy, my boss’s boss is a good guy. I’m pretty sheltered from any fall out. I work on special projects most of the time so I don’t really have all that much "routine" work. The job is good, but it does not take away from the fact that I’m sitting in the office on a beautiful day.

The thing is, It’s not even that. It’s everything else. I’ve been stuck in the same routine with J for some time now. We hang out, have a great time, get into an argument, split up, and get back together. The thing is, I really don’t know how to handle the whole "Just being friends" thing. Plus, I’m not sure that I really want her as much as I just want someone. I feel that sometimes I just get mad at her because I want something to do. Because I’m tired of being bored and emotionless.

I think what I’m doing is blaming J for the fact that I have to go home to an empty house and be alone. Not that it really matters, or that it should not matter. The other night J was over and it was about the 3rd night in a row. Things were going pretty good, and then I found myself wanting to go to bed alone. Now things have cooled off again, and I want to be with her all the time.

It just seems like a twisted game right now.

The thing with my other friends is that I’m just not having that much fun with them. They are good people, and good friends. It just seems like every time we hang out, it’s the same thing. We do that same activities. We go out, drink, go home. Going out is becoming as routine as going to work. True, I don’t do it as much, but it’s the same monotony.

I know what this means. I need to do other things. I need to start organizing other events. I need to get my friends to go play pool. We need to go bowling. We need to do something. This BS of going to the same bars and doing the same crap is getting really old and it’s just not that much fun. I do have a good time when I’m there, but when it’s over I’m really left with nothing. I don’t have any good memories from it. It was just hanging out to kill time.

I think that is the problem that I’m having. I’m killing time. My job, my home life, my existence is just killing time. It’s like I’m waiting for something big to happen, but what?

I don't wanna grow up...

I was eating my lunch a few minutes ago, and Barney was on the TV. I was not overly thrilled with the TV channel selection of this establishment, but shortly I realized that I did not care. It did not matter much what was actually on the TV.

After Barney, some cartoon was on and it made me realize, I really miss cartoons. But then again, is it the cartoons or I’m missing or is it that age I’m missing.

I try and think back to an age that was fun. Most of the time I think 25 is the perfect age, sometimes I miss high school. Right now, I’m missing being 8 – 10 years old.

Do you remember 10? I remember playing with my G.I. Joe’s. Using the Ho to create roads for my match box cars. Playing hide and seek in the middle of the night. Jumping fences, climbing trees, playing soccer. All of these things. I was having fun. It seemed that my entire existence was about enjoying the things life had to offer.

People that age can’t wait to grow up, because they want their freedom, but I feel more trapped now than ever. Everyday from 7 – 6pm I’m pretty much focused on getting to work and doing what they want me to do. I feel like the relationships with women I have had keeps me emotionally locked up. At times I feel like I have trouble breathing. I want out. I don’t want to play this game any more. I want to go to the beach with a couple cars and build castles and ramps and roads. I want to wake up Saturday morning and watch some fucking cartoons, and then go to sleep again.

Most of all, I want to go back to an age where I did not have to deal with women. I want to be free of the sexual pressures life brings at you. I’m at an age now where I don’t want to just date. Even though I think I skipped that stage. I’m at an age where I’m getting older, and children are important to me. I want to start having a family. How much longer can I wait. The failed relationships I’m having right now are a reminder that I’m getting older. I’m not in my 20’s any more. I have always hated dating, and now dating is kind of a cruel joke. It’s like a reverse sour patch kid. It starts out sweet and ends up sour. All I’m left with is a bitter taste in my mouth.

I don’t want this any more. I want to be 8, and play in the mud.