I'm not ok...

I find mornings to be the hardest time.

Even now, I have been up for 2 hours, I find myself wanting to cry at my desk. My eyes have teared up, and I can feel that lump in the back of my throat. By the way, my spell check says teared is no a word. I’m leaving it. I don’t care.

I just don’t understand why this is so hard for me. She was not that good for me. She obviously was not that good of a person, if she would leave me and be with one of my other friends. She was not my friend if the whole time she was "working on it" with me, while she was lusting after him.

So why does it affect me so much?

I know that I hate being alone, and I love being in love. I really do. I can’t force it, I’ve dated women before and kept it casual, but when I find someone I think I can love, it’s amazing. I give so much. I almost worship that person and I think that is the problem. I don’t really believe they are the end all be all of everything, but shouldn’t the person you love feel like they are?

If we were in love, Shouldn’t I do everything in my power to make you feel like the queen of my world? If I’m wrong in doing that, I’m in for a life time of heartache.

So I think it just hurts the most in the morning. By lunch time, I’ll have developed a fair amount of hate and resentment towards the two of them. It’s just getting to the point.

In the morning, I remember. I remember what it was like to wake up in her arms. I remember what it was like when we made love. I remember how much she complemented me and made me feel handsome. I’ve been told by a good number of people that I’m handsome. So much so, that I actually let that sink in from time to time, but there is something about the way she said it. It was always so animalistic.

I remembered the passion we shared. Oh my, it was always hot. It was always good, and I miss that. It was the moments we spent together when there was no one else. In those moments it was like nothing else existed around us. Just her and I….

But that all died. The moment we slipped back into reality. The moment she had access to her phone again. The moment she started looking for his text. The moment she alone and needed company. In those moments, he was in control. This is when the anger comes back. This is when I remember every time she told me she loved me, and then text him. This is when I remember that she invited me back to bed while she was holding her phone. Waiting for another text message.

I remember the lies…

I could be wrong in this next part, but I irony of this is that It will not work between them. Seriously, the odds of any single relationship lasting forever are slim. That’s why we date. Even if they are a good couple, the odds of it leading where she desperately wants to go is very slim, and that is before all of the issues they have to overcome.

Jamie is a very needy person. That was ok for me, because I’m a needy man. I love attention. Giving and receiving. Aaron does not seem to have that need for attention. Sure, in the early stages of the relationship when everything is fresh and new it is very good. In a month, I think this is going to wear very thin. Plus, he travels all the time for his job. He can be gone for weeks at a time. I think that, for her, she will seek other attention. Personally, I think she will call me and try and make a friendship with me again. I could be wrong, but she has been very reluctant to give me up.

He also does not seem to be very passionate. He never gets very excited. She and I used to have very passionate sex. He comes of as quiet and calm. This could just be the way he is, and when he’s behind closed doors he’s an animal, but I have a hard time seeing it. But he could be.

Also, there is the rumor that he is not well "equipped" most men believe they are smaller than they are, but this is one I really hope is true. She loved mine, and I hope the next one is a disappointment.

I truly believe that you should never relish in the disappointment of others. I believe that any desire for the failure of others is the ultimate in selfishness, and unholy activity. I believe that we all do bad things, but to actually wish unhappiness and failure on people is borderline evil.

I have to say, I’m feeling evil about all of this. I don’t like it. I have never felt this way about anyone. I have never felt the desire for something to completely blow up in someone’s face. I don’t like that I’m this way, but at the same time. I have stopped caring.