I don't wanna grow up...

I was eating my lunch a few minutes ago, and Barney was on the TV. I was not overly thrilled with the TV channel selection of this establishment, but shortly I realized that I did not care. It did not matter much what was actually on the TV.

After Barney, some cartoon was on and it made me realize, I really miss cartoons. But then again, is it the cartoons or I’m missing or is it that age I’m missing.

I try and think back to an age that was fun. Most of the time I think 25 is the perfect age, sometimes I miss high school. Right now, I’m missing being 8 – 10 years old.

Do you remember 10? I remember playing with my G.I. Joe’s. Using the Ho to create roads for my match box cars. Playing hide and seek in the middle of the night. Jumping fences, climbing trees, playing soccer. All of these things. I was having fun. It seemed that my entire existence was about enjoying the things life had to offer.

People that age can’t wait to grow up, because they want their freedom, but I feel more trapped now than ever. Everyday from 7 – 6pm I’m pretty much focused on getting to work and doing what they want me to do. I feel like the relationships with women I have had keeps me emotionally locked up. At times I feel like I have trouble breathing. I want out. I don’t want to play this game any more. I want to go to the beach with a couple cars and build castles and ramps and roads. I want to wake up Saturday morning and watch some fucking cartoons, and then go to sleep again.

Most of all, I want to go back to an age where I did not have to deal with women. I want to be free of the sexual pressures life brings at you. I’m at an age now where I don’t want to just date. Even though I think I skipped that stage. I’m at an age where I’m getting older, and children are important to me. I want to start having a family. How much longer can I wait. The failed relationships I’m having right now are a reminder that I’m getting older. I’m not in my 20’s any more. I have always hated dating, and now dating is kind of a cruel joke. It’s like a reverse sour patch kid. It starts out sweet and ends up sour. All I’m left with is a bitter taste in my mouth.

I don’t want this any more. I want to be 8, and play in the mud.